Now, I'm letting you know.

Okay so. Now I can just see why I always felt my LJ wasn't too private. But then it's my fault to set my posts to Friends only. I should have at least expected that something like this might happen.


Well the matter is.


She read my entries.



She read my fucking entries.



All of them. Including the New Year entry.



In which I wrote about how I still love her, that she might be the only one I ever love the way I do. And all that other stuff.


She. Read. Them.






OMG.




I don't know what to do, really. I think this might be how a person feels right after surviving their first heart attack. But I'm still alive, however absurd that may seem. I'm still alive. And she knows. She knows how I feel about her. And... Oh God.



Well, we just talked in facebook chat, actually we're still chatting right now through YM. Facebook is tempting me to have a seizure, as it kept jamming every time her message popped up. But through that chaos we did talk, and...


Man, I'm just speechless right now -- which is pretty ironic, because she told me not to go speechless. But how could I help it?



We talked about our feelings for the first time after... that. After I did the stupidest thing I have ever done in my entire life, which was to shun her away and pretend she was my biggest enemy. She said, yes, she read it all (I swear to God I was having that preliminary chest-constricting thing when she said she had been reading my journal entries!). She understands how I feel. And she's thankful that I actually still feel the way I do towards her. She's... My God I can't even think clearly right now... Well, she said she still care about me too. And she's sorry for the way she hurt me (which is absurd; I should be the one apologizing!).

The most important thing was probably when she said she was happy now that we both know each others feelings. But things cannot change now because she knows I am happy with my present life, and I know she's happy with hers. We both have our futures and we can't do anything to ruin them.


I am probably the most relieved that I have been in... years. Well, at least since we broke up.


To know that she cares about me makes me happy. But now I don't feel the need to possess her anymore, not like how I used to. Right now, all that matters is that she is happy. I can't ask for more than that.



I've heard it once that to love a person doesn't mean you have to own them. I used to think it was a stupid saying; how could you not want to own the one you love? But I know now the truth behind it.



She might or might not read this entry, it's fine by me. I now don't have any hesitation to say it loud and clear: I love you.



PS: I played Kannivalism's Small World on repeat while we were chatting and I actually cried. Damn. But whatever, I needed it, needed to vent it out a little. But it's fine now. My facebook status states it all.


And to you, incase you stumble upon this and (again) read my entry: Sleep well, Love.