The old means of novel writing.

I meant to update yesterday but I had a fanfic to finish. It was meant for Aoi's birthday, and I actually finished it at 2 a.m. Horrible. I have to do something about this short attention span that I seem to be suffering. It's making me very not productive.

But really, I wanted to get the story done before midnight but I totally failed (and earned my sister's deathglare, because she said she wanted to use the computer too). The story became quite not like how I had planned it to be, at least the ending. Ruki wasn't supposed to be such a coy little baby, but I guess writing in the dead of the night tends to skew me away from the general idea me a story.

But it's posted now (here), and I am pleased to say the responses have been awesome, by far. I guess I'm not the only sucker for a massive dose of fluff XD

And yeah... Happy Birthday, Aoi-sama! It amuses me to imagine he was having a wild birthday orgy last night so I'll just stick to that. I mean, what else you do on your birthday when you have four hot, delicious band mates, right? Well, that's just me.

Tonight my sister is hogging the computer all to herself, I guess I deserve it after what I've done last night. I'm trying not to think that I'm the one who pays for the bills while she's the one who spends the quota. Sometimes I wish I had the heart to wipe out that stupid online game she has installed on the computer. See how that would ruin her mood. She obviously doesn't care about my ruined mood.

Oh well. Back to pen and papers for tonight, it's all that I can do.

Now, I'm letting you know.

Okay so. Now I can just see why I always felt my LJ wasn't too private. But then it's my fault to set my posts to Friends only. I should have at least expected that something like this might happen.


Well the matter is.


She read my entries.



She read my fucking entries.



All of them. Including the New Year entry.



In which I wrote about how I still love her, that she might be the only one I ever love the way I do. And all that other stuff.


She. Read. Them.






OMG.




I don't know what to do, really. I think this might be how a person feels right after surviving their first heart attack. But I'm still alive, however absurd that may seem. I'm still alive. And she knows. She knows how I feel about her. And... Oh God.



Well, we just talked in facebook chat, actually we're still chatting right now through YM. Facebook is tempting me to have a seizure, as it kept jamming every time her message popped up. But through that chaos we did talk, and...


Man, I'm just speechless right now -- which is pretty ironic, because she told me not to go speechless. But how could I help it?



We talked about our feelings for the first time after... that. After I did the stupidest thing I have ever done in my entire life, which was to shun her away and pretend she was my biggest enemy. She said, yes, she read it all (I swear to God I was having that preliminary chest-constricting thing when she said she had been reading my journal entries!). She understands how I feel. And she's thankful that I actually still feel the way I do towards her. She's... My God I can't even think clearly right now... Well, she said she still care about me too. And she's sorry for the way she hurt me (which is absurd; I should be the one apologizing!).

The most important thing was probably when she said she was happy now that we both know each others feelings. But things cannot change now because she knows I am happy with my present life, and I know she's happy with hers. We both have our futures and we can't do anything to ruin them.


I am probably the most relieved that I have been in... years. Well, at least since we broke up.


To know that she cares about me makes me happy. But now I don't feel the need to possess her anymore, not like how I used to. Right now, all that matters is that she is happy. I can't ask for more than that.



I've heard it once that to love a person doesn't mean you have to own them. I used to think it was a stupid saying; how could you not want to own the one you love? But I know now the truth behind it.



She might or might not read this entry, it's fine by me. I now don't have any hesitation to say it loud and clear: I love you.



PS: I played Kannivalism's Small World on repeat while we were chatting and I actually cried. Damn. But whatever, I needed it, needed to vent it out a little. But it's fine now. My facebook status states it all.


And to you, incase you stumble upon this and (again) read my entry: Sleep well, Love.

My life is an open book.

Gracie (a_happy_twat) tagged me with a meme, and it went like this:


A. List seven habits/quirks/facts about yourself.
B. Tag seven people to do the same.
C. Do not tag the person who tagged you or say that you tag "whoever wants to do it".

And my precious facts are:

1. Fact is: I HATE TOMATOES!!! I'm not kidding, it's just a big no-no for me. I can't eat it. If it's not chopped into really tiny pieces and mixed into a whole pan of other ingredients until I can barely recognize its form, color or flavor anymore, I will not eat it. I find it horrendously icky for some reason I can't explain. I mean, I used to eat it, when I was a kid. But it seems that some nerve inside my head decided, one day, that I must hate it with all my might. I hate its smell, its taste, I even hate how mushy it looks. The ugly thing is, it's everywhere, starting from drinks to foods and sometimes I had no choice but to eat it, resulting in me nearly gagging and throwing up my breakfast, lunch, dinner altogether and creating a hideous painting on the floor. Yes, it happened, when I was teaching my student once, and her mother served us TOMATO JUICE, of all things. I cried. Seriously. I cried, held my breath and swallowed. And held my breath again. And nearly threw up.
2. Mmm... Okay so the second one is, with all honesty, I'm bisexual. It's never been a difficult thing for me to admit, maybe not towards my parents or my co-workers (they might freak out), because probably I've known it since... forever. I feel the same interest towards boys as I do to girls, and I get turned on by men's 'stuff' as well as women's. The one thing that 'woke me up' to this fact was, I dare say, my friend during college, because she's pretty and all and I felt rather angry whenever she was with her boyfriend. And then came the love of my life, and that was the turning point of my entire existence, so to say.
3. I've had 2 ex-boyfriends and 2 ex-girlfriends, and 1 'extra'. I was responsible to end 4 out of 5 relationships, and the only 1 that I didn't end happened to be the most painful thing that I have ever had to deal with in my life but also the most meaningful experience I could ever imagine happening to me. Wonder how she feels about me now...
4. My first kiss was with my cousin. I forgot how old I was then, but it was his birthday and after we cut the cake, our parents told us to kiss on the mouth. So yeah... But he's the cousin I was also taking baths together with. It didn't feel awkward, then, but whenever we met, after puberty hit, I couldn't help thinking that I have seen his penis and he has seen my genitals. So weird.
5. I have the mood of a tropical weather. It can turn from a hot, sunshiny day to a rainstorm in an instant. There is nothing too simple that can light my fuse, and it's a very short fuse, quite unfortunately. I've even cried without an apparent reason in public (which was embarrassing, but I couldn't hold it back). I can laugh at one second, and yelling profanities the next. I think most of my friends and/or lovers have had the taste of this hell named 'Aki's mood', and they were wise to stay away from me whenever I looked like I was going to explode. Well, it's probably what had ruined most of my relationships as well... Oddly, though, I feel the most creative when I am upset or depressed (except when I was so depressed I couldn't even get out of bed). So most of the stories I wrote came from the times when my nerves were stretched to their limits.
6. Despite being my age, I dare say I'm a virgin. Yes, that's right. I'm saving it for my future husband. I know I am not a saint, but in 'that department', I'm pretty much untouched.
7. I'm obsessed with Aoi (but that should be clear without me having to confirm it XD). I'm so obsessed I actually have dreamt of him--or rather, of him and me, in a car, me sucking him off and then we... yeah. Basically it's a very pornographic dream, and the best thing there was, it felt so real. Since then, I can't help being a little... bothered, whenever he shows off his sexiness, which is ALWAYS, so you can only imagine how that makes me feel.

And I have so kindly added fact #08: I have a shoulder fetish. Yes, that's right. SHOULDER FETISH. A man with a broad, seemingly strong shoulders will rouse my attention in a blink of an eye. Aoi, especially. He has those amazingly delectable shoulders. I first noticed those when he was wearing the DISORDER costume, with his tanktop and whatever random fabric dangling feebly from his shoulder. I just want to lay my head on his shoulder, possibly even kiss him there along the collar bone, and then lick him and bite him a little and... Okay, I'll stop here thank you very much. :D

PS: Here, let me show you those heavenly shoulders...


Oh yessss... Baby... *licks Aoi's collar bone*



It was fun. I always like memes. And most of the facts I revealed were already a common knowledge, at least amongst those who know me.

I tagged acu_saree, takkuni, eiga_risti, thousand_face, kapoha, torrie and erikaoi (all at LJ, I'm too lazy to insert the hyperlinks XDDD).

Because you can never have enough time.

Alright so I didn't have time to update yesterday. It's been a horribly hectic day, to say the least. The funfair started at Friday and at Sunday I had a shift from 5 to 9 p.m. Well, actually, we were all told that the shift was supposed to begin at 3, so I hurried there just to find that the doors were LOCKED. Some smart ass must have forgotten to inform us that the shift hours had been changed. Luckily I was with my boyfriend so I didn't look too pathetic; to pass the two hours (that I could have used to take a nap instead) we went to the mall.

Anyhow, it wasn't really as bad as I thought it would be. I mean, the crowd wasn't overly annoying, not too many people but there were still plenty enough to make the situation less boring. We were lucky to have a post where it was dry, with cornblock pavement and had leakproof roof, and there was a toilet (however small and inadequate) and a place to pray. It did rain later last night, and I felt sort of sorry for those guys out there. I personally hate it when it rains and the ground turns to very icky mush under my feet.

The booths are interesting, really. There was this one by a local lab, and it provided free glucose and blood pressure test. I went to do a check up and the results were okay, except maybe for the body weight part. How the heck did I gain all those kilos? Fuck. I always fail at diets because my gastric can't take them. Every time I skip meals it will hurt like fucking hell. Maybe I should find a safer, more effective way to lose some weight... but I also hate sports. I'm a helpless case, yes I know.

Errr... yes, back to the main topic. Well the point is, it wasn't half as boring as I thought it would be, but then there was the four of us in our booth. I'm not really sure how it will be when there are only two. At Friday I'll have to be there again with only one other person and she's an elderly lady... I hope I can take the laptop with me or whatever... But maybe it's safer if I don't. I can't guarantee someone will not steal it, the area is pretty dangerous to be showing off fancy electronic stuff.


So yeah... Maybe I've been very, very negative lately. But how could I help it? The situation at the office had gotten awkward because one person spoke bad about the other person and the other person heard it and I happened to be the poor, innocent girl who had to listen to all the whining and bitching. I'd like to tell them to go shove their problems up each others asses and stop bothering me, but here's the ugly thing about working in a government office: there's so much hypocrisy hovering in the air you can actually choke yourself with it. Everybody has to pretend they are enjoying each others company when they really aren't, everybody has to say nice things despite wanting to bash against the next person's head. It's frustrating, at times, although if I have to compare it to working at a private company, it's much, much bearable (though the payment isn't half worth it). I'm the kind of person who gets irritated very, very easily (I think I've made that quite clear), so it's hard whenever I needed to swallow my own anger incase I found something or someone offending me.


I guess the only chance I can be a billionaire is to write a damn good gay porn and publish it world wide; get a contract with some TV station in the USA to do a movie or maybe even a series on my book and recruit those yummy, pretty Japanese rockers to star in the movie. Oh yeah~ I bet I'll be rich in no time! XD

The only problem is, will or will not PSC let the GazettE boys do porn? Only time will tell, people. All we can do is cross our fingers (and mail the company with a very convincing MOU).

Gaze-Porn will look like this:


(Replace the microphone with something else we all know only men own, you see then it is pure porn)


Or something that is even more easily translated as "We do porn like this, people, now worship us!":


(I can always talk about how he touched his nipple in the concert and then licked his god damn finger and turned me to an ugly goo, but I'll refrain because that will be an endless talk of its own)

Watch where your kids wander to.

The police has just captured one of the most hideous criminal I've ever seen on TV. That old man has killed, sodomized and mutilated children and threw the bodies at the most horrible places. There's no telling as to how many boys he has murdered but there is a possibility the number exceeds 15 because he is also wanted in a different province for murder.


The idea about paedophilia doesn't necessarily bother me too much, but that is if it is a consent, mutual act between the elder and the younger.


Rape and murder, well those things are obviously crime, and the criminal should be tortured to death--there's no such thing as hanging anymore these days, unfortunately. All those cops do is shoot the convicts, shoot on the head just to make sure he's dead, and that's it. No pain. Imagine how the victims must have felt while the criminal did whatever he did to them...



Alright so I can't help thinking about Junko Furuta. Honestly, the first time I ever read the story of her murder, I couldn't sleep, and I couldn't stop thinking about how she felt then. I'd rather kill myself if I was in her position. But hopefully, yes hopefully, God, I will never find myself in such situation.


I hope it's death sentence for that old rapist.

Despite the stomach ache, here I am, speaking to you.

So yeah, I have just posted a new fanfic and it's here.

I can't believe it myself, but yes, I have started yet another new multichapter fanfiction. Go on, go ahead and bash me with a table or something. I totally deserve it.

I know, I know there are several titles I have abandoned, some of them I actually love but I simply have lost the inspiration to continue. Life At 16, The Princess and The Witch are two examples. I really, really love those stories, but to get back into it, forcing my brain to come up with some decent new chapters is just too much to bear. It's not like I ever intended to disappoint my readers, especially those who were actually waiting for these stories to be continued. Alright so maybe I don't have a reason that I can say that is acceptable in some degree. It's unforgivable to leave those stories behind, and I'm sorry.

Well, what has brought me into writing this new story, then?

Other than the obvious reasons I have already mentioned on the author's note (mainly the GazettE's song, Shiroki Yuuutsu and some bits of the interviews they had been in), I was intrigued to write another drama because I had re-read Filth in the Beauty and its sequel, Yomenai Kotoba. Yes, yes those are my own story, but those are the first ever drama stories I have written that have successfully made me tear up, and quite miraculously, drawn almost everyone's attention to me (alright, I'm an attention whore!). I realized that I had put a lot of aspects that came from my own personal life, like the conflicts and problems I was going through into those stories, and probably that was why they became intensely emotional. There is something quite addictive about that, writing something emotional that comes close to my real life, and it's probably easier, because, when I am writing what the characters do or how they are supposed to react to a matter, I can just ask myself what I would do.

I don't know if my explanation makes sense, but yeah... The point is, re-reading Filth and YomeKoto intrigued me to write a new story that is based in real lives (not just mine, but also the characters themselves), and maybe yes, the idea has been bugging me for a while so I decided to write it down.



With this, I've got a lot to do. House of Horrors is still on going, but I haven't had the chance to write the new chapter yet. What I like about HoH is that I don't have to think too much in writing it; the words just flowed out when I wanted them to. It's a light, funny story that I might actually need to write, if only to relieve myself from the tension of writing a more serious, intense story. And then I have the 50stories project, there are still some prompts in the table that I haven't done just yet. And then the new 5sentence_fic drabbles, but this one's fun to do.

And... I am also planning to write down Hanabi's sidestory. Yes, the one with Aoi-Uruha as the main characters. Damn, it's been so long since I wanted to write it, but I kept getting sidetracked. But this, too, will have to wait, at least until I get Love Song done... I'm not going to write 20-something chapters for this story, hopefully. It won't be a long one, but still, with March coming in perhaps it's going to meet some obstacles as well.



Shit. That reminds me of March. I'm afraid I won't be able to update too often during March--in fact, I might even be totally absent. I don't even know if I will be able to get online at all. Fuck the company I'm working at. Things are going pretty much from bad to worse at the office, the hatred is everywhere and I am choking in it, and I'm thinking maybe I should go find a new job, as a script writer most preferably.



Well, here is some update from me, for today. By the way, I'm watching Yamato Nadeshiko Shichi Henge the dorama version on youtube right now. Kame as Kyouhei? Well, I wasn't really expecting that. He's not a disappointment. I have to say, though, the one who plays Takenaga is gorgeous!


And here's a little Kame-goodie to lighten up my blog XD


(he makes a cute uke, don't you think?)

I do wish I can be like X-Men's Storm.

I would love, love, love to write a long, probably detailed review of the movie Sherlock Holmes. Really, I would. In fact, that was exactly what I planned to do tonight. The tickets were bought, I already got dressed.

And it rained.


It rained like fuck. The sky was pouring buckets and buckets of water onto the earth and it was just impossible to see what's in front of you out there, not to mention going anywhere on a motorcycle.


So, no, no Sherlock Holmes tonight. No review. Nu'uh.


But my boyfriend actually went through that blizzard and knocked on my door, drenched to the bones. Poor thing...

It turned out to be quite a pleasant night because he stayed for dinner (yes, we let go of the 30,000 Rupiahs that we - err, he had to spend for the tickets). I just love it that my parents are probably the most welcoming parents in the world regarding whom their daughter is dating. Yeah, my boyfriend was well taken care of tonight. In fact, I think my Mom worried more about him getting sick than I did XD

Oh I hope he doesn't get sick. He's a hopeless case but he is still my boyfriend and he's too sweet not to love as much as I love him. I believe he's already asleep now. I wish him a nice dream... Well most likely about me. XD

I better get my own beauty sleep as well; God only knows what other emotionally disturbing things I have to deal with tomorrow. Can't be too prepared for whatever happens.


Good night, then.

And uh, yeah, watch the sun's eclipse with me tomorrow?